My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize
