I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
