She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
