i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
