My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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