If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
