Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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