I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
