So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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