My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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