he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
