You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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