make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
