hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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