i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
