please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize