it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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