my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
