jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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