so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
