Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
