I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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