If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
