No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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