we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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