I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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