I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
