Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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