i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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