you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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