No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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