How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
