dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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