Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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