I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Your penis caused this!
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