its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
