did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
