Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
