Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
