Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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