Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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