you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the day after is always just damage control
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
