my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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