Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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