I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
