Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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