***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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