I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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