I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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