Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
