the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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