After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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