It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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