yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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