VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
