I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
